Friday, May 7, 2010

May 7, 2010

I came to campus today to register for summer classes. I have an appointment in 45 minutes, so now I am at the library killing time, and it is all very depressing. The last time I was here was when I saw J. As I walked here all I could do was replay events in my mind. I walked down the same paths and saw the same sights as I have on so many occasions in the past, and I could almost see myself back then, at those other times. Like looking at a place through time. Back months ago when things were good . . . then after I got pregnant and they started to fall apart, but I was still sure that somehow everything would be alright. Waiting at the pavilion for him to get out of class. Passing him on the way to Calculus. This entire school is full of memories of him, and memories of thinking of him. I remember passing under a particular tree and deciding that it didn't matter if he came to his senses now or not--that he had a lifetime to do so and that I could wait, since this situation isn't one that will go away. I've just been under that tree again. And even though I don't know exactly what has changed, I no longer feel that sense of peace.

I really do not want to be here.

Crazy Craigslist Woman Wants to Snatch My Baby

For the past few weeks I have been advertising on Craigslist for a roommate. It would be nice to have someone around, and in addition I thought I could offer reduced rent in exchange for occasional transportation to the grocery store. I am not driving right now due to a REM sleep problem that affects my ability to focus during the day, and carrying groceries home on the bus is a real pain. I listed “reduced rent in exchange for minor transportation” in the ad, saying that if I could find the right person it I thought it could be a good situation for both of us. I also mentioned I was pregnant, since this is information a person has a right to have before they consider moving in with me.

I haven't gotten many quality responses to this ad. Most who answered either do not have cars, can't move in for 3 months, or want to bring their girlfriends, current roommates, or ten ferrets along. It's actually been rather silly.

But the response I got yesterday beat everything. It was from a woman who called herself “Imamommi,” which she evidently believes to be a clever play on words. Here it is:

Hi, I am not sure if you have concerns about your situation or have made plans for after your baby comes, but I wanted to reach out to you. We are a family approved to adopt, we had an adoption fall through recently and have a great attorney. Please consider this as an option and let us know.

Our family is ready! We are homestudy approved and have everything ready for a precious angel to join our family. We want to help an expectant mom through a hard time in her life, share her journey, and show her all the love and respect she deserves. If you or someone you know might want to get to know us, please let us know. We look forward to getting to know you!

Thanks and best wishes finding a perfect roommate!

Janice

Well, I was pretty angry. The nerve of this woman! Nowhere in my ad did I say anything about struggling with this pregnancy, financial worries, being single, having no family, or anything of the sort. And even if I had, you don't just grab at people's unborn children! Adoption is a valid choice for many women and I have no problem with it, but it is a personal decision that women have a right to come to on their own. You don't go around pushing it on random pregnant women just because you want a baby. So I sent this reply:

Janice,

I have only one question for you. How dare you? I post an ad on Craigslist looking for a roommate and you send me an email proposing that you take my child? Not being a mother yourself you may not understand this, but we do not appreciate perfect strangers who know nothing about us suggesting we cannot take care of our children.

There are many legitimate ways of obtaining a baby if that is what you want, but sending unsolicited offers of adoption to every pregnant woman you come across is not one of them. Not every baby in the world is yours for the asking. You have no right.

I advise you to reconsider what you are doing before it gets back to your social worker. It is wrong in ways that you in your shortsighted desire for a child have obviously not even imagined.

Do not contact me again.

A bit later I got a response saying both her social worker and her lawyer already knew what she was doing and thought it was “wonderful.” She apologized for “the upset” and urged me to contact her if I should “change my mind.” I considered writing back to tell her that what she was doing was not in the least wonderful--that it was insulting, beyond presumptuous, and that it made her look like an overzealous baby-monger whom I would steer clear of even if I did want to adopt, but I restrained myself. There would be no point.

Anyway, now I'm wondering whether I might not have been a bit angrier than the situation warranted. Seriously, I was fuming. I mean, I know the woman is a nut . . . but did I overreact?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

May 6, 2010

Well I still haven't heard from J., but I am feeling much better about it now. If he wants to do things this way I can manage. I do wish it were different. I wish I didn't have to go through this alone. But in the end I'm sure I'll be better off without him.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend at a shopping plaza. I was looking for a new bathing suit, since the weather is perfect for swimming and it is my firm opinion that pregnant women should not wear bikinis, which are all I have.

Anyway, he came up to me in the parking lot and we talked for quite a while. I told him about the pregnancy (it is not obvious yet), and he ended up going shopping and to lunch with me and then driving me home.

It was strange, though. This is a person who definitely used to be interested in dating me. Coming along with me was his suggestion, but he made it before he knew I was pregnant. After I told him he was still perfectly cordial--and he still followed me along to lunch and offered to drive me home--but I could tell something was different. He just wasn't as excited to be there.

Not that I don't understand this, because of course I do. It's just something I've never experienced before. But I think maybe it is good. Maybe now I can see what it's like to truly be "just friends" with a man, without constantly knowing that he has an ulterior motive.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

April 28, 2010

I saw him today on campus. I was leaving the library and he was going in. I looked at him, surprised, and he said, “Hey.” I didn't say anything. He just kept walking.

I went to the bus stop and waited for the bus. I thought maybe he would call me or text me to see if I needed a ride, but he did not. I wanted to cry. The baby was moving around, and I thought, I can feel my child kicking inside me and his father is 200 feet away in the library and he just said hey to me. The world has gone mad. I once slept beside him, held him, kissed his head, gasped when he touched me and wanted him . . . I once thought I could love him. And now it is all over. Now I am carrying his child, and I am alone, and he says hey.

The world is mad.

April 24, 2010

J. left today. I am nearly 5 months pregnant.

The day started out well enough. He woke up earlier than I expected—about 9:00—and told me he was going to the new skate park and that he would leave around 12:00. But by 1:30 he still wasn't home and I was beginning to get irritated. I have told him over and over that he can't just use this apartment as a place to sleep, because I feel like I'm living alone. And on this particular day he had already planned to go out of town in the evening—for the second time this week.

By the time he came home at almost 2:00 I was a bit upset. I knew there was only a week left before he would move away permanently, and we still hadn't talked about what would happen then. I was having dizzy spells (common these days due to low blood pressure during this part of the pregnancy), and I was trying to cook lunch while only being able to stand for one minute increments. He walked in and asked me how I was. I told him I was dizzy and not feeling very well, and he said, “Oh no, is there anything I can get you?” I said,” How can you get me anything? You're never here.” I walked away and sat on the couch. I told him we needed to talk, that I needed to know what I could expect from him after he left.

“What do you mean?” he said.

“You're leaving in a week.” He nodded. I said, “Then it's time for us to have this conversation.”

I said I was worried about what was going to happen. I said that with the pregnancy, this sleep disorder of mine for which I can no longer take medication, school, and the responsibilities of somehow bringing in an income, I didn't know how I was going to handle it. To make matters worse I am supposed to start a research position soon or I can kiss graduate school goodbye. I'm exhausted, I don't feel well, and every night that I don't get REM sleep I feel worse. I told him I had no idea what I would do when the baby was born. Things were going to be very difficult for me.

Talking about this upset me, and I cried for about two seconds, but I wiped my eyes and regained my calm.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked.

I said, “I just want to know what you are going to do.”

“I'm not going to disappear.”

“But what can I expect from you?”

“What do you mean? What should I do? Stay in close touch?” he suggested, “Come up for the birth?”

I didn't really know what to say. None of this was enough, not nearly enough. I explained that after the baby was born I was going to need help in one way or another. I could stay home and take care of him, or I could go out and get money to take care of him, but it simply wasn't physically possible for me to do both. I can finish the last part of my degree online so that I can stay home, but there is still the research position, and that means child care costs. I told J. that I didn't think I would be able to handle both the day-to-day tasks of child-rearing and the expenses associated with it. Sooner or later I would need help with one or the other. He didn't seem happy with this, but he didn't say anything.

I said, “I'm sorry you don't want this, but I cannot absolve you of all of your responsibilities to your child. It's not in my power, even if I thought it was right, which I don't.”

Finally he told me that he understood, and that he could help me out financially in a limited manner. It was obviously just something to say. I knew full well that any attempt to get money out of him for any reason would be like pulling teeth. But I had said what I had wanted to say, and so I let him hug me and we sat together on the couch for a minute. Then he went to clean up the kitchen from my lunch, which was his way of showing me he was contributing.

A moment later he told me he was planning on leaving to go out of town at 3:00. It was just after 2:00, and he had been home for a total of 30 minutes the whole day. I said, “You told me you were leaving tonight.” He said he had been planning to but that the plan had changed.

I said, “J., this is the last weekend you're going to be here, and now you want to spend all of it out of town. I can't do things this way. I need you to stay until tonight like you planned. We've talked about this over and over.”

I was referring to the numerous conversations we had had where I had told him I didn't want to feel like I was living alone. I am in the middle of a difficult pregnancy, I have no family in town, and for the first time in my life I feel like I really need someone to just be here. The first few months of the pregnancy were horrible. J. and I lived together, but I never saw him. He would be out all night and sleep all day, and when he finally woke up he would go directly to his friend's house. We might run across each other for 5 minutes in the afternoons. I would be at school all day and take the bus home, and then I would go upstairs and throw up. I was always sick, and I needed things from the pharmacy and the grocery store that I could not get. I would spend all day in my room alone trying not to be depressed, but it was hard.

Finally a little over a month ago, I kicked him out. The last straw was when he took me to a doctor's appointment (for the first time) and was aggravated that I wouldn't let him wait in the car like a cab driver. He fell asleep in the waiting room, didn't say two words to me, and walked five steps behind me through the halls like we were not even together. When we got home I told him to move out. I said that I was tired of him treating my home like a flop house and acting like nothing I was going through had anything to do with him. I said that I was capable of dealing with this pregnancy without him if I had to, but if that was the way it was going to be then I didn't want any pretense about it. I would rather he just go. What's more, with him gone I could find someone else to move in who might actually live in the house—rather than just sleep here—so I wouldn't have to be alone all the time.

He left, but the next day he asked if he could drive me home from school. When we got to the house he started crying, and he begged me to let him come back. So I did, with the understanding that things would change. And they did, somewhat, but somehow we still always ended up having the same conversation.

This afternoon I was just thoroughly sick of it. I didn't feel well, I was having the cramping and uterine pressure again such that walking even so far as the kitchen to get water felt like a bad idea, and I wanted him to spend at least a small part of his time at home so that maybe we could come to an understanding about the future. I didn't want things to end badly. But he wanted no part of it. He finished what he was doing in the kitchen and stomped over to the living room, sitting down on the carpet, hard.

“When can I leave?” he sneered.

This obviously wasn't what I wanted. I tried to make him understand. “J., you know we have talked about this before. I don't want to be constantly alone right now. You wanted to stay, but you're still never here.”

“So how long would it take you to replace me?”

So this then. “Replace you?”

“Find someone else to move in.”

I sighed. “I don't know. A month ago I had a friend looking for an apartment, but not anymore. I have an ad in the newspaper. I'm still looking for someone.”

He didn't say anything.

“So you want to leave now, then,” I said.

“Are you going to attack me if I do?”

“Attack you?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Not physically,” he said. “In some other way.”

He meant would I take him to court for child support. I had told him I didn't want to have to do that—that I would prefer we keep things amicable and not become enemies—but I suspected that the fear I would change my mind was the main reason he did anything I asked him at all. But I certainly wasn't going to threaten him to make him stay.

“I'm not going to attack you,” I said. “I am going to do what I think is right, and you should do the same. If you want to leave now, I'm not going to stop you.”

So he went to his room and packed his things. It didn't take him long, since he has been preparing to leave for some time now. I was lying on the couch facing away from the hallway, so we couldn't see each other as he took his things out the front door. I guess he could see my feet. I heard him come back in and get another load, and I stayed where I was. I didn't know how many loads there would be. I thought at least he would come and say goodbye when he was finished, but he did not. I got up and went to the window and saw he was gone.

I have cried a few times since then. I was prepared for him to leave next week, but not now. I wanted closure. There are things I would have liked to say, and things I would like to have done once more with him. Watched Dexter together, laughed about a book. I wish I could have held him and told him everything would be alright if we let it, that I didn't want to be enemies. I would have liked to say goodbye.